This time last year I was still detoxing from a relationship that had left me emotionally and mentally drained. Six months after the breakup I was still so stressed and incomplete. I couldn’t figure out where the week started or ended, I took a break from my studies, I was dealing with the aftermath of disappointment, confirmed thoughts of abandonment, self-inflicted pain, betrayal and the general chaos that came with turning my world upside down in the name of being something to somebody.
For the longest time I honestly felt like love had pushed me aside, and no matter how much I gave, love never seemed to reciprocate my efforts. I called a good friend up, and my life would be very little without her. After I literally poured my heart out I went silent for a bit and asked her, “Why doesn’t love love me”?
I appreciate the fact that she never replied me but simply gave me the greatest gifts of silence and support as I embarked on this journey of self-discovery. A year later, thinking back to that conversation, I found myself lost for words because how often do we feel this way? Not specifically in a romantic sense, but in general, why can’t I be successful, why can’t I be more confident. You know, when everyone seems to be happy, they’re moving forward and are growing in love, and yet there you are… At a standstill, waiting, and whilst you restlessly wait you take on a destructive distraction or two, romantic relationships having been mine.
Although life is great, I of course still have residue of hurtful experiences, scars and things that I am working through, and full contentment and being completely in love with myself is definitely one of them. As certain experiences came full circle for me, I found myself having to ask myself; what exactly was I giving in order to receive love? Which areas was I compromising in order to obtain it? What do I think I am worthy of in life and love? What exactly is love?
You legitimately reap what you sow. It’s a principle that holds true in so many areas of our lives. I would give what little I always managed to build up before entering a new relationship, I had no sense of self and the unhealthy habit of attaching myself too quick in search of an identity or title.
I was so in love with the thought of love, to the point were I rarely saw the person for who they truly were, and if I did I would deny the bad hurtful parts and highlight the few good bits so that I could endure the situation. I neglected loving myself in order to feel any type of love, even if it mainly consisted of pain. In situations like these, it’s so easy to blame the other person for hurting you, but the biggest epiphany I have gotten is that we attract, accept and tolerate the love that we think we deserve, and we give the type of love that we have. Isn’t that mind blowing that you make an active choice to nurture dysfunction because it’s better than nothing? It’s a killing comfort, and with every effort you try to push it, it pushes back even harder and knocks the wind out of you…
Realizing this gave me so much perspective, depth and understanding of the perpetual cycle that I had been in when it came to love, and I’ve done quit a lot of work to break unhealthy habits and the way that I view myself, and if this is where you’re at in life, so should you. I had to get to the root of this desperate need for love, a twisted version of it at that.
Introspection, as I said in my first blog post, isn’t easy. It was hard for me to be honest and owning the fact that whatever they did to and took from me, often times I willingly allowed those situations out of legitimate fear of losing love. Love to me was finding comfort and confidence in another person, validation, and constantly wanting to be with them, not necessarily because I loved them, but because I didn’t want to deal with or love myself. The truth is, I was hurt way before they came into my life, but they certainly didn’t make it any better. In doing so I cultivated my own hurt through another person, and I could rightfully so blame them for treating me wrong, but what you allow will always continue.
Often the question won’t be why “doesn’t love love me?” it will be “why don’t you love you?“ This to say;
Stop provoking your own heart. Give it space to grow and express itself. If it’s been tarnished, give it time to heal before your avail yourself to love or anything that requires you to give something that you don’t have or are working on obtaining. You want to be giving from a healthy place. Listen to yourself when you speak. It is your job to get to know yourself so that you can identify what is and isn’t love. As I’m writing this to you, I’m saying it to myself – you don’t need to go actively looking for love rather tend to it, because it resides within you.
If we weren’t so busy looking for love we would have time to nurture the love that we should have for ourselves before anyone else comes into the picture. I wrote this in my previous post that people will treat you the way you teach them how to treat you based on how you see yourself. Love does love you, the choices that you make show you an image of and give you a distorted version of love, and that’s what doesn’t love you.