In 2015 literally NOTHING worked out the way that I planned – honestly, the past couple of years have been such a blur on a personal, emotional and spiritual level. Tarnished is not even the word to describe the state that my heart, mind and soul had been in. I’ve said this on a different platform before, but I had been battling with depression and anxiety in silence on and off for about a decade and this particular season of my life pushed me over the edge, so as of right now it’s a time for me to reflect – a season of growth, introspection and restoration. Examining the inside of yourself so that you can live on the outside is by far the hardest but most rewarding thing you’ll ever do for yourself.
Over the recent years I had embraced fear, shame, negativity and self-doubt and I could only identify myself with my shortcomings. The thing that I have personally experienced with these particular emotions is that they cause a snowball effect of anger, disappointments, confusion and loneliness. When I did have the energy, I would live my everyday life appearing confident, having it all together, mean whilst I was operating from a place of extreme fear, emotional dysfunction and living a life without any progress. In this season there were days where I literally couldn’t get out of bed because I was overwhelmed with hurt and hopelessness – a normal day in my life would be the alarm going off, me letting it ring endlessly, ignoring any form of responsibility because I was paralysed by pain and too tired to fix it. At times my negative emotions would rush over me to the point where my arms would go numb and tears would pour down my face because I just didn’t feel like I could or even wanted to make it through another day. Living was a burden. In this season I broke down.
It all comes down to identity and worth. I’m just starting to figure out who I am and what I want and that’s extremely difficult for me to admit, but life and its experiences will shake you up sometimes and give you a chance to redefine yourself. I thank God for the progress I’ve made this past year where I’ve been intentional with my healing from past hurts. My saving grace has been transparency with my friends, family and my faith. A Proverb that I keep pressing onto in difficult times is:
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”
Proverbs 31:25 (NIV)
This is what I’ve been working towards – having the strength to set standards, boundaries and to overcome the hurdles of life, not letting negativity determine my reactions and pushing past my fears instead of letting them determine the direction of my life. I’ve learnt this the hardest way possible by being in relationships that cultivated my insecurities. I’ve walked down self-destructive paths in the name of love and the fear of loosing it – it’s been quite the emotional roller coaster, but nothing that you go through is ever in vain.
Yes, my life was derailed by what I thought I knew about love, myself and this thing called life, but journeying through my hardships and digging deep has shown me that it’s in our weakness that we are made strong. I didn’t understand the depth of my brokenness, just as I didn’t understand the depth of true self-love and the positive impact that it would have on me as soon as I discovered it. I didn’t know my worth, but the beautiful thing is that, if we allow it, life meets us exactly where we are, and restores us to the place we would have been if we had allowed our experiences and encounters to teach us who we are. When we are authentic to our story and follow peace we’re led on the right path. With each passing day I’m learning to receive, live under and rest in love for myself… because I deserve it – and so do you. Be kind to yourself.
Life is far from perfect and it’s ever changing. Personally, it has surely come with its challenges, but as of right now I see that as the beauty of living – each day full of an opportunity for me to evolve, love, learn and share. My prayer is that as I share with you, you’ll find the posts encouraging, inspiring and empowering. I hope for this to be a place where you feel safe, a place where you feel like your story is being told. A place where you get to understand and feel understood. Welcome to my truth – what’s yours?